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BABY BLUES ‘SHE’S MY DAUGHTER!!’

The baby blues are a real thing. They tell you it’ll happen day 3-5 that you’ll just be highly emotional and weepy. However baby blues come back. When you least expect it – usually after a sleepless night your body will think ‘yep you are at the brink of exhaustion so let’s just throw in some weepy hormones and make you cry at the drop of a hat.’ I’m lucky to have such a supportive network around me that my baby blues don’t last longer than a day or two but it is also my supportive network that unknowingly add to my stress levels as a new mum but you would be the worlds most ungrateful bitch if you were to broach the subject so you put up with a day or two of the baby blues to save face.

The strength of the bond and relationship between mother and baby is like no other. You know that little person before they arrive in this world and when they do you naturally want to hold them and never let them go. But when you have a new baby there is an influx of family and friends who want a cuddle. No one understands how gut wrenchingly painful it is to hand over your child to someone just for that cuddle.

It’s hard when you are breastfeeding in the very early days as you feel your only time with your baby is for feeding and the second you stop feeding someone swoops in and takes her to wind her. This made me feel like a milking machine and that I wasn’t able or allowed to be there for anything else. I would often hold my baby for longer and say she was still feeding under the nursing cover ignoring statements like ‘she can’t still be feeding’ and doing a silent two fingers up to you all!

The worst offenders are people who are already mums and should have an insight into how this makes you feel as a new mum. They will say things like ‘I’ll take her a burp her’ or ‘come and see me’ both statements are demands to either myself or my baby – never a question, never a request like ‘can I hold your baby?’ This is never done with malice and I understand people think they are helping but words can cut like glass when you are having a down day. People say ‘I’ll hold the baby while you go for a nap.’ What a new mum in the early days hears is ‘you look like shit and I don’t fully believe you are capable of looking after this child, give her to me.’ You want to scream at people SHE IS MY DAUGHTER but you put on the brave face, hand her over and excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and cry.

When I go visit a new mum now I will no longer go expecting a newborn cuddle. I will go and have a conversation with the mummy. Ask her how she is and what I can do to help. If it’s holding the baby for half and hour while she showers or making her a lunch she can eat with one hand but it’ll be whatever she wants or chooses.

My latest emotional outburst was regarding clothes. My daughter has wardrobes bursting at the seam with clothes. This stresses me because

a. I have to remember who bought them so next time I see them she’s wearing said outfit for an instagram selfie session and

b. I have to ensure she wears each thing at least once so that it hasn’t been a waste and c. There are starving children in the world with not a pick of clothing on them and it’s a sin my child has too many clothes.

No matter how many times I say (at the risk of being ungrateful) please don’t buy her any more clothes or no matter how many times I physically take people to see the overflowing wardrobe people don’t listen. (People don’t listen to new mums/dads anyway but that is for another chapter.)

Don’t get me wrong I am so grateful for people’s generosity but I don’t want my daughter being spoiled and when she’s older expecting to get gifts every time she sees someone. What people don’t understand is the impact on me. Here’s that line again – SHE IS MY DAUGHTER (not your dolly!) I have never bought my daughter an outfit. I have never gone to the shops specially for her to buy her something that I get to choose. As a mummy who loves clothes and shopping this has cruelly been taken away from me by people who don’t even realise it and if I were to voice my opinion I would most likely be met with hostility.

I know what she needs and what is practical – cute dresses are now a no no because she’s starting to crawl and will get tangled up in them. Shoes are a waste of money because she can’t walk and are gathering dust. Clothes that are in the shops now are summery and if you buy the next size up it’ll be November when you are expecting me to put on that summery top. Don’t tell me to stick a cardigan on her cos when she rolls over she gets caught up in the cardigan. I know these are crazy irrational thoughts but that’s new mummy hormones for you and I don’t apologise!

If you want to help, buy us a packet of nappies or a Tesco voucher for all the food we will have to provide for her when she starts weaning.

I dread Christmas, it’s already giving me palpitations but I will be buying my daughter a Christmas outfit or two. Anyone else that buys will be asked to hand over the gift receipt and I will treat myself to a new top. I’m liking my new catchphrase SHES MY DAUGHTER NOT YOUR DOLL!

Phew. That was a rant and a half about clothes….!

Seriously though I understand these rants are totally irrational but when you are caught up in the moment they are the most important thing and these thoughts fester in your head over and over until you are irrationally pissed off at the world!! It’s crazy what post baby hormones do to you. You mostly cry, it could because you are happy, it could be because you are sad, it could be because the shop didn’t have your favourite crisps, it’s like an emotional Russian roulette – you never know what’s going to hit you next.

Sometimes I just look at her and cry. I cry because I’m so happy and so overwhelmingly in love with this little lady I created. When other family members tell me they just love her so much, it hurts me to the core because they don’t love her like I do and no one ever will. But irrational hormones aside, I am very grateful that this little lady has so many people in her life who love her and we are very lucky she is here. One day I hope she will know and understand how deep a mothers love goes and she will know how much I love her.

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Published by hazycrazynewborndays

First time mummy navigating the world with a newborn baby! Finding writing my feeling down about various baby topics very therapeutic and hope that my ramblings will help others too!

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